In Dreams...

This morning, as every morning for the last few weeks I have had tremendous trouble at staying asleep. I toss and turn from 5am until about 8:30am or so when I have to get up for work. During this time, I often have troubling, vivid and sometimes increasingly sexual dreams. I have searched online for potential answers for the elements in my dreams, clues and icons that may give some closure to the madness, and so far I have come to the conclusion that my dreams are doing one of two things. First, the dreams may be attempting to fix or address a part of myself, namely my masculine/feminine part of myself that may damaged somehow; or secondly that I need to research myself in those areas because there is some need or desire that I am not meeting and my mind is suffering from the withdrawal.

As I mentioned about my sleep depriving behavior between those cold and quiet hours of my morning, the one I had today was so far the most distressing. In my dream, I was in a book store, a simple bookstore with many colors and shades but none that stood out as an important element except for one. The place was full of people rummaging for books, not in an un-orderly fashion, but they were browsing.

I discovered a book about transsexuals, the book itself was white in color and of an erotic nature, it was not a biography, a journal or medical examination of the physical or psychological aspects of transsexuals. The book was full of images of sexual activity, vivid and intimate sexual intercourse with transsexuals who all appeared extremely feminine in appearance. They seemed as if they were women all along, but with a phallus, portrayed very beautifully in the book. Now in the dream, I, or a version of myself, however one would describe being in your own dream, was aroused by the book and meaning to buy it. For some reason I hid the book back on the shelf, which I might add was full of books with bare spines. (No words on the spines of any of the books)

I came back to retrieve the book for myself though I suppose I did not remember exactly where I had put it on the shelves because I could not find it. I was searching for it, here and there, pulling books off the shelf and opening them to see if it was my book, but I could not find it again. I was embarrassed to be looking for the book but insistent on finding it. The check stand was not visible behind the throng of people across the room but I could tell it was there, but then I noticed another check stand near me to my right and went over to it to see if the cashier knew if the book was still in stock. Again I was embarrassed to be asking but I was very turned on and wanted to find it but the cashier did not see it as available. I should mention that the cashier was indistinguishable as male or female.

I then woke up this morning as I do before work, if you will excuse me, and noticed I had an erection. Whether it was from the dream or not I was still subtly bothered at the fact that I had one after that dream. I have researched briefly a few of the elements in the dream and am not convinced one way or another what they could mean if anything at all. I have been stressed lately regarding going back to school and finding money for tuition, yet during my daytime hours I do find myself thinking about sex quite a bit more then I ever did. Also, along those lines, I find myself remarkably more aroused then I used to be; thinking of individuals I know personally in a manner I dare not share with them. I am sure my waking life has an effect on what my brain does when I rest, but what turmoil my mind experiences.

In dreams we do and feel what things we prevent ourselves from attempting in our corporeal existence. In dreams we say and hear those things we close our minds to while we wake. Does that then mean we are only an extension of our true selves and that we show the world only a glimpse of who we are? If our days are full of limitation and reservation, and we express only those things we believe we can or are allowed to, who are we then in dreams?